Sad Conclusion

One of the things I was excited about when I made the decision to move back to the New York area, was the idea of being close to my old friends and family. I've been here for over a year now, and a lot has happened. I lost my job over eight months ago and have come to a sad conclusion.
It's easy having lots of friends when you are doing well. Everybody is excited to hear from you. Everybody wants to see you, everybody wants to get together. Everybody loves you.
But, when things are bad, everybody turns their backs on you. I have learned that I have acquaintances from the past, but I really have no friends. I know that things happen and people have busy lives and families. I also know that a real friend would invite you to their place to just have fun reminiscing on old times. A friend would call you to see how you are doing, maybe just send you an email to say hi. I have gotten none of those gestures.
My friends were always very important to me. I have gone out of my way to help friends many, many times. Maybe I'm asking for too much when I ask that some of them be there for me. I have been feeling really down lately, and coming to this realization has made matters worse for me.
I wonder what having a dozen "close friends" who don't even offer kind words of support, says about me. There are all these people out there and I am the common denominator. So I have to conclude that the problem is not them, but me.
Was I mistaken when I thought I had friends? have people just changed over the years? Is there something about me that repels people?
I guess from now on I can only count on myself.

Stand for something, or fall for anything

I need to figure out what I stand for. I have seriously lost my identity over the last two years. I have experienced significant loss and I'm not sure how to go about putting myself back together again.
I lost all my properties, I lost my business, I lost my job(s), I lost many of my friends; but worse of all, I lost who I thought I was, I lost my ability to dream big and to have a positive outlook in life.
In the past, I suffered from depression and it wasn't related to money. I was rich back then. I remember having closed on one of my houses a few years ago. I went to the bank to make a deposit. Since I had several CD, MMA, and Checking accounts, I asked for an accounts summary report. I was feeling really down at the time. I remember driving home with tears in my eyes because I had an account balance of $265,000, and yet I was so unhappy. I couldn't understand what was wrong with me.
Fast forward to this last year. Pretty much all my material possessions are gone. As unfortunate as it is I, like most people associate my identity with my possessions. I have been trying really had to overcome that. It would be great to have stuff again, but it really isn't my main priority anymore.
I need to find a job that pays the bills so that we can move out to our own apartment. I think now my real struggle is spiritual. I am trying to figure out who I am as a person, not as a person with stuff.
A friend recommended I read/listen to Eckhart Tolle to change the way I see the world. I listed to about an hour of his stuff on YouTube, I also bought the book (which I didn't read). While the guy is interesting and makes compelling arguments, I don't think I'm ready to view the world the way he does.
Another friend recommended I listen to Joel Osteen. This guy is pretty good, he makes a lot of sense in the things he says. My problem with him is that he portraits himself, and his followers see him as a spiritual leader. The guy is a pastor, but he offers a watered down gospel that focus more on having things than anything else. I would say his sermons are like Snapple drinks. They contain only 5 - 10% juice.
I may have to keep looking, but I'm not sure where, because I also have a problem with the traditional Christian establishment. I want to figure out what I am really all about. I want to be able to say I stand for something. But right now I'm what I can not to fall for anything.

I have not seen my best days yet

I will live my life with purpose.
I will run my life like a profitable business
I will make a difference in peoples lives
I will make myself and my family proud
I will be diligent and dutiful in the things that need to get done
I will focus and if I fall, I will get up and keep on going
I will have spirituality in my life
I will look at what is ahead instead of what I left behind
I will be thankful for all the great things in my life
I will have goals, visions, plans, dream, projects
I will be successful intentionally, not accidentally

What a mess

I have so much in my mind, that I don't know where to begin. I abandoned this blog and now feel the need to write on it again. None of the people who used to read my posts ever come here anymore, and that is fine. I am on Facebook, but it just isn't the same there. It's so superficial. If it wasn't for the couple of people I get to talk to every once in a while, I wouldn't log in there.
Anyways, I have so much to say and so little energy to say it. Maybe I should just list the things that are on my mind and then elaborate on them. I feel so alone in my problems, I can't talk to my wife or family about them because they just don't understand. I need to do something cathartic, and I hope this is it.
problem 1: haven't found a job in over 7 months.
problem 2: don't have a place of my own to live in
problem 3: I am depressed about everything
problem 4: I feel I have lost all my friends
problem 5: I'm worried about my wife and her job
problem 6: I'm afraid of my wife getting sick again
problem 7: I'm worried about my daughter's health
problem 8: I'm tired of feeling useless
problem 9: I'm have lost my selfesteem
problem 10: I don't know what to do about my sleep
problem 11: I am hate feeling that no one respects me
problem 12: I can't stay focused enough to find out what i really want to do with my life
problem 13: I can't stop feeling guilty for what my family is going through
problem 14: I feel like I've lost all my friends and nobody wants to be around me
problem 15: I no longer have dreams or a plan of action

I'm going to China

Last year I decided I wanted to go to China. Yesterday I booked the trip for the spring. I can't wait to be out of my comfort zone for 13 days.
My wife and I will be in Beijing for several days. Then we fly to Xi'an for a couple of days. From there we'll fly to Shanghai for more time and visit a couple of towns nearby such as Suzhou.
I'm glad I'm not an impulse buyer because I was tempted to go for an african safari. The package looked great, but I was worried about food and the fact that there was hiking involved. Maybe when I get fit I will reconsider.
The thing I'm not looking forward to on this trip, is the 13 hour non-stop flight from Los Angeles. Paris to Las Vegas was a bitch, but I'm not sure what to think about this one.
On another note, Las Vegas is getting ready to experience what we consider Arctic conditions. It could get down to the 30's in the next few days. So much for the wonderful Mohave Desert.

A Dork Is Born

For the past two or three years my distance vision has been deteriorating, but amazingly enough I couldn't really tell until the past couple of months.
Because I work from home and never drive out of my vecinities, I got used getting around with no problems. Then recently on a trip to San Diego I realized that I couldn't drive because I didn't have any landmarks as points of reference to get to places. I could only read the freeway signs as we were passing them, not before.
Today, I went to the eye doctor and was told that not only do I need glasses because I couldn't read the top two rows of letters, but that I have to go to a specialist because I have large muscles in my eyes. Those large muscles are indicators that I may have or will have glaucoma in the future. Am i worried? a little.
I will look like a dork wearing glasses, but it will be fun to be able to see again. Who knows, maybe I will look smart.

Instant Karma

Today I went to Trader Joe's to get some milk and pasta. When navigating my way out of the shopping center's parking lot, a black guy in a Vespa cut me off on the left side. For no reason what-so-ever, this guy keeps driving and turns his head to look back at me with a defiant face.
This guy has just come out of nowhere and I haven't done anything to him for him to try to intimidate me with his "bike". My reaction was to just keep driving at parking lot acceptable speed, and say to myself "what is this dumbass looking at".
By now, the guy is looking ahead and is approaching the curve to exit the parking lot. He made a sharp turn and lost control of the Vespa and in the blink of an eye he was hitting the pavement with his right shoulder and head.
I must admit that for a second or two I grinned as I stopped and saw him on the ground. I then opened my door and yelled out asking him if he was okay. He didn't respond but i knew he was moving. I decided to walk towards him, but my gut told me to get the key off the ignition in case it was a setup. I went over and got the Vespa off of him and asked him if he was alright.
When he got up he asked me to push his shoulder back in place, which I reluctantly did. I suggested he takes it easy and not make sharp turns like that. He thank me and I got back in my car.
I drove off with the elated feeling that Karma had done it's job.

Crappy Friday

I usually look forward to fridays. It's not because I don't have to work the next day, historically they have been stress-free days for me.
Today however, has been crappy, shitty, sucky, etc and it's only 1:30 PM. Due to my back pain I have been working with my laptop from the couch for the past couple of weeks. In the past I used to say: I wouldn't know how I would live if I didn't have internet. Then I moved up and said: I don't know how I would live if I didn't have high-speed internet. Now I say: I don't know how I would live if I didn't have wireless high-speed internet.
I've had my trusty Netgear router for a couple of years now and it looks like it's usability has come to an end. I've lost my connection a million times today.
I decided that instead of wasting the day away trying to figure out what is wrong with it, I may as well just go buy a new one. I got my keys and got in my SUV. Before i turn on the ignition I felt something wasn't right, so I got out and looked at my rear tire. FLAT. I said to myself, no problem. I got the jack out and started changing the tire. when I went under the car to remove the spare tire, FLAT. Now I have two flat tires and no way to get them fixed until the wife comes home.
I was pissed, but no sweat. So I decided to go to the mailbox and get the mail. What do i get, bills including a big hospital bill for my accident.
The bottom line is this: when things get bad, don't sweat it too much because they can always get worse and worse. Not only that, there are people having an even worse time than you right now, like my faher-in-law. He just found out his cancer has spread and he thinks he doesn't have much time left alive.